Very Grimm Tales
by crankyhermit
Summary: Seven Yu Yu Hakusho fairy tales. And they all lived happily ever after. The End.
1. Three Billy Demons

Author's note: You might have seen this a long, long time ago. I'm just archiving some of the old stuff I have lying around. I'll add more old fairy tales as I dig up and format them.  
  
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Three Billy Demons (gruff? well, not all of them...)  
  
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Once upon a time, there were three billy demons of varying (but not correspondingly) age and size. They lived together on a quiet little hill in the demon world, where, thanks to the enthusiasm demons have for butchering each other, there was no problem of overpopulation and the air was much fresher than in the human world.  
  
The peaceful, quiet little hill was very nicely isolated from the rest of the demon world by a wide, raging river (else demons would have no trouble jumping across). The only way across this river was by a rickety old bridge, which was closed for safety reasons. Thus, for a very long time, there was no traffic between the two sides.  
  
The first demon, whose love for peace and quiet was as great as his temper was mild (he had a fuse as short as his height), naturally got tired of his peaceful, quiet life. Especially since he could see a gathering of rowdy demons across the river, just waiting to be killed, with his evil eye. He watched the demons bashing each other into pulp every day, until he could bear it no more, and ripped off the "Danger" sign on the rickety old bridge.  
  
"There, it's not dangerous anymore," he declared, and proceeded to march across the rickety old bridge. Thankfully, he wasn't very heavy, and the bridge held. But as he reached the halfway point, what should leap out from under the bridge to bar his way but the bridge's resident troll? For the bridge was not closed because of rotting timbers (though they were present), but the nasty troll Raizen, who was understandably starving after all that time.  
  
Raizen was quite a sorry sight, his lanky frame gaunt, eyes crazed with hunger and long white hair long unbrushed. He drooled, took a closer look at the first demon, then sighed and moved aside.  
  
"All right, I know, you're too small and scrawny to make a good meal and I should wait for your brother demon to come. Go, go."  
  
The first demon was outraged, of course, but he could also see the host of tempting demons across the river, and decided that he could wait to settle the score. Besides, he was none too fond of his brother demons either. So he crossed the river, and had a field day slaughtering annoying demons.  
  
The second demon didn't have an evil eye, so he couldn't see what was going on the other side, but he could hear what sounded like great fun. He too, was bored, and decided to cross the bridge, against the advice of the eldest demon brother.  
  
As expected, the troll Raizen leapt out to ambush him. "FOOD!!!!!" he roared in triumph as he landed nimbly in front of the nonplussed second demon brother.  
  
The second demon was equally excited by his appearance. "EAT ME!!!" he yelled right back, to the troll's unmitigated shock. "I DON'T WANT TO FIGHT SOMEONE WHO IS WEAK FROM STARVATION!!!!"  
  
"But how are you going to fight me after I've eaten you?" inquired the stunned Raizen. "And you--you're part human! I'm on a strict non-human diet, doctor's orders."  
  
"Oh," said the second demon, feeling sheepish. Or goatish. Or whatever. He was just as confused. "Does that mean I can cross?" Raizen sighed, shrugged, and moved out of his way.  
  
The second demon was delighted to see that there was a battle royal on the other side, and leapt gleefully into the fray. "Spirit-gun!!" Raizen watched the two demon brothers enjoying themselves, and felt very sorry for himself.  
  
The third demon actually did like the peace and quiet, but he was worried about his two younger brothers. So, after some more time had elapsed, he too, decided to cross the bridge.  
  
Raizen was already waiting, tired of having to conceal himself and leap out for nothing. When he saw the third demon, he did a double-take and his jaw dropped. "I thought you were three *brothers*?!"  
  
The third demon's jaw set: he was getting very tired of being mistaken for a girl. Perhaps he should get a haircut someday. "We *are* three brothers," he told the luckless troll acidly. Then he took a closer look at the troll and frowned. "What have you been eating?"  
  
"Next to nothing," admitted Raizen sadly. "I just don't have any luck with demon prey; it's just too hard to get food now that my doctor banned humans. Too many chemical additives and preservatives, she said."  
  
The third demon nobly refrained from sighing with exasperation. "You mean you eat nothing but meat? What about fruits and vegetables?"  
  
Blankly, the troll answered. "What flutes and bagel-tables?"  
  
This time, the third demon did sigh, but quietly. "Come," he ordered the nervous troll, who was wondering what he had done wrong. "Let me grow you a nice salad, and while you eat I will explain to you about the need for a balanced diet." So saying, he led the troll back to the quiet side, where he spent a long time doing just that.  
  
In time, Raizen the troll regained his strength, and as word spread, so did the third demon brother's fame, and he became a nutritionist acclaimed throughout the demon world, while his ne'er-do-well brothers were just glad he had someone else to nag about health now... until they fell sick from malnutrition anyway, whereupon he dragged them back across the river to recover their health in peace and quiet.  
  
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comments, complaints, criticism or cowpats all welcome. 


	2. Three Pigs

Author's note: I can't think what to say about this story, really. Er, you do know that all of them are several years old and not just written, right?  
  
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The Three REALLY ODD Pigs  
  
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Once upon a time, there were three really odd pigs, totally unrelated and of very different sizes. The only thing they had in common was that they were all pigs -- of different sorts, though.  
  
The first pig was what most of us would know as a Male Chauvinist Pig. He grew up and left home in much the same way as would most such pigs, but he had big dreams. He wanted to become wealthy and respectable so he would be able to take care of the beautiful ice maiden he had fallen in love with at first sight.  
  
So he slaved night and day, getting a proper education and finding a good job, then buying a comfortable house which he stocked with lovely flowers to make her happy. And she was, for she was just the sort of sweet, innocent little thing which all Male Chauvinist Pigs adore and want to look after. It was an idyllic life they led together.  
  
Unfortunately, this happy state of affairs was not to last. A Big, Bad Fox came up to the door one day and sang out merrily, "Little pig, little pig, let me in!"  
  
"Little?!" demanded the Male Chauvinist Pig indignantly, insulted. "Why, I'm nearly as tall as you are!"  
  
The Big, Bad Fox sighed. "Well, let me in regardless. I'm here to loot your house bare." (Of course the fox wouldn't want to eat the pig up-he was vegetarian, and the pig didn't look that appetizing besides.)  
  
"So what if I don't let you in?" asked the Male Chauvinist Pig insultingly. "Will you huff and puff and blow the house down?"  
  
"Of course not," replied the Big, Bad Fox amiably, then he proceed to truss up the Male Chauvinist Pig with the flowers in his home. The Male Chauvinist Pig stared at the treacherous vegetation as it lifted his house and safe keys and handed them over to the smiling Fox.*  
  
* Security Warning: Do not keep plants in your house if there's a Big, Bad Fox on a burglary spree in the neighbourhood.  
  
So the Big, Bad Fox emptied out the Male Chauvinist Pig's house and went on his merry way. Meantime, the ice maiden had gone home to find the devastated pig bemoaning his loss whilst entangled in the potted plants. "It doesn't matter, Kazuma-kun. I'll just go and cut a few onions and you will be as rich as before," she told him gently. So they managed to continue their idyllic life together without much trouble.  
  
Soon the Big, Bad Fox found his way to the home of a medium-sized pig who was -- well, just a Pig. This Pig was not really rich as such, but he had received quite a sizeable inheritance from his recently deceased father. "Little pig, little pig, let me in!" sang the Big, Bad Fox.  
  
"Not by the hair of my ch-- wait a minute, I'm not going to say anything so stupid!" exclaimed the Pig just in time to prevent the evil writer from making him swear by the hair of his chinny-chin-chin. He glared out the window at the amused Fox. "I'm not going to let you in anyway, and I don't keep potted plants or flowers about."  
  
"True," agreed the Fox mildly. "However..." However, the Pig wasn't much of a housekeeper, and he had neglected the moss, mould, algae and other stuff growing about. These tiny terrors served the Big, Bad Fox just as well as any of the Male Chauvinist Pig's potted plants did.  
  
"Now, tell me where are the jewels your father left you?" asked the Fox. The trussed-up Pig pointed. The Fox stared in horrified disbelief. "You defaced them?!?!"  
  
"I was bored," protested the Pig. "And look, I've got the names of all my friends, neighbours and everyone who sent condolences on them!" he added happily. Nevertheless, the Fox took the jewels to a jeweller to be refaceted, then stole them from the jeweller when the job was done and demanded recompense for his loss. The Pig was not bothered by the robbery, having never been that interested in great wealth and all that anyway, and went on with his life as usual.  
  
The third, and truly little pig was of the variety typically known as a Runt. He had watched everything that had happened to the other pigs, being a cautious sort of fellow, and laid his own plans (which did not involved getting robbed).  
  
Normally he preferred to just sleep in a tree, but he knew very well what the Big Bad Fox did with plants. So he ensconced himself in an abandoned kiln for firing pottery after crisping anything that might have had grown inside, and as a precaution, razed the countryside bare of any greenery for a mile around. He also toasted several environmental activists who had come to protest his despoiling the environment. Once he was satisfied with his preparations, he settled down to wait.  
  
Sure enough, the Big, Bad Fox turned up in due time to sing, "Little pig, little pig, let me in!"  
  
"Hn!" was all the reply he got. Annoyed, the Big, Bad Fox began to survey the challenge before him. No plants anywhere. His eyes fell on the chimney thoughtfully.  
  
"If you try to climb down the chimney," warned the Runt, "I'll send the Black Dragon up just when you reach the middle."  
  
The Fox laughed. "I like your style. What's your name? Mine's Kurama."  
  
The Runt was quite touched by this courtesy from the famous robber, since most were quite content to call him Runt. He had an idea, which, amazingly, had nothing to do with toasting the Fox or anything else.  
  
"I'm Hiei," he said. "Tell you what, I have been busy looking for my sister and tear gem for these past years, and simply haven't had much time to collect treasure, so even if you do get in, there won't be much worth stealing. What do you say to a partnership? I'm sure we will make a good team."  
  
"What an interesting proposition...why not?" So the two joined forces to become the terror of the land, and quickly made a killing, in more senses than one.  
  
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comments, complaints, criticism or cowpats all welcome.  
  
Next up: a variant of the 3 Bears, and last of the first set of stories. 


	3. Three Bears

Author's note: (nodding earnestly) It really did happen this way! Also long- belated thanks to JulieF for previewing this, oh, ??? years back.  
  
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Goldilocks and the Three Bear(-y Unfortunate Demon)s  
  
Or, The True Story of How the Toguro Team Came to Be  
  
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Once upon a time, there were three demons, Bui, and the two Toguro brothers. They lived together in a little house in the human world so they could share the rent. The human world, as everyone knows, is rather crowded and polluted, full of silly, weak humans; altogether quite an unhealthy place to live in. Naturally, the three demons wanted very much to move to the demon world, where the air is fresh, and one can meet lots of interesting demons.  
  
Unfortunately, the immigration laws during that time were very strict, and virtually no one could travel between the two worlds due to the Berlin Barrier raised a long time ago. So they were beary unhappily confined to the human world, and passed their days wishing for change.  
  
One fine morning, as the three demons were out doing whatever it is demons do before breakfast, another demon named Karasu chanced by their cottage and, feeling hungry, decided to drop in for a bite to eat. The door was locked, however, so he decided to bomb it open. Seeing that the place was empty, he decided to make himself comfortable and popped off the mask restricting his oxygen supply.  
  
*Pfft!* Power surged through him and made his ebony hair glow so it looked golden. No self-respecting demon calling himself "Crow" would appreciate being called "Goldilocks", so he normally put up with the discomfort of wearing the mask while in public, but since no one was in... Much relieved, he looked over the options available on the table.  
  
Bui, the big, manly demon, had a hearty, macho breakfast of greasy bacon, scrambled eggs, a buttered roll and a mug of ale to wash it all down with. Karasu shuddered at the thought of what it would do to his figure and complexion, and quickly moved on to check out the next, more modest portion.  
  
Being the hypochondriac he was, Toguro the Younger had a salad without dressing, some unsweetened soy milk, and more vitamin capsules and dietary supplements than Karasu could readily count. He let that one alone too, looking hopefully at Toguro the Elder's little plate.  
  
There was a rather ratty(?) looking dead bird on it. Karasu turned green, and blasted it instinctively, destroying much of the table in the process. Having lost his appetite, he decided to find a bed to lie down and let his stomach settle, so he went upstairs.  
  
He climbed gratefully into Bui's enormous bed, and sank down...and down... until he nearly suffocated. (After carrying that heavy armour all day, anyone might reasonably expect that Bui would like his comforts...) Karasu struggled free of the impossibly soft bed and into Toguro the Younger's bed.  
  
Which was as hard as stone. (Hard beds are good for the spine, you know...) And of course Karasu would never fit into Toguro the Elder's puny (and dingy) bed. Defeated, Karasu sank to the floor.  
  
By this time, the three luckless demons had returned from whatever it was they were doing. Bui looked at the door and boomed out in his deep voice, "Someone has blown in the door!"  
  
Toguro the Younger stuck his head in and frowned. "Someone has blown up the table!"  
  
"Mmph! Mmph! It's quite good actually, just a bit too crispy outside- mmph!" The two big demons turned to see Toguro the Elder stuffing bits of dead bird in his mouth.  
  
"Let's go see if the intruder is still around," said Bui, a little hastily.  
  
"Maybe he's upstairs," agreed Toguro the Younger quickly, and they hurried up the stairs.  
  
"Wait-mmph! for me! Mmph!"  
  
* * *  
  
"Hey look! There's a Goldilocks sleeping on the floor!" Karasu woke at the sound of Toguro the Elder's voice and the hated moniker. He took one look at Toguro the Elder with a bird leg sticking out his mouth, shrieked and blew up the house.  
  
Bui, in his armour, and the inflatable Toguro Otouto were relatively unscathed. Toguro the Elder was much less fortunate. The remaining two demons and Karasu watched the bits of Toguro the Elder knitting themselves together for a while in silence. Then Toguro the Younger picked up a broom and began sweeping the bits together.  
  
"Urgh, that's disgusting, " said Karasu. "Do you suppose there's any way to really kill him off?" Bui frowned as he pondered the question somberly.  
  
"He's my brother," remonstrated Toguro the Younger without heat.  
  
"So? He's still a disgusting little twerp," Karasu shot back. Bui nodded in agreement. Toguro the Younger watched his brother's reformed hand scraping bits of himself off the floor, then reaching for the surviving bird leg. He dropped the broom and scattered the pile of Toguro the Elder with his foot.  
  
"I heard about some competition called the Dark Tournament," he said tentatively. "We could join as a team."  
  
"Hmm, any chance he might get killed by someone embarrassing there?" asked Bui.  
  
Karasu looked at a flyer he had received that morning from some demon. "Even if he doesn't, each member of the winning team gets a wish. We could wish to migrate to the demon world, and maybe he'll decide to go elsewhere. Anyway, the demon world is a big place, full of dangerous, short-tempered demons..."  
  
And the rest, as they say, is history.  
  
(Obviously the three unfortunate demons in question are really Karasu, Bui and Toguro the Younger, right?)  
  
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comments, complaints, criticism or cowpats all welcome. And aw, you people have been so nice... thanks for reviewing. =)  
  
Here endeth the first trilogy of stories. 4 left! 


	4. Mrs Fox

Author's note: Very little changed from the original fairy tale, because it just _fits_, you know? =)

A word of warning for those with delicate sensibilities. This story contains non-explicit Hiei/Kurama, which is to say they do nothing more than talk, like Kuwabara and Yukina in the 3 Pigs, but if you really can't stand the idea, please give it a miss and come back next episode. The rest are all business as usual. 

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Mrs Fox

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There was once a sly old fox with four tails, who was very curious to know whether his spouse was true to him: so he stretched himself out under a bench, and pretended to be as dead as a mouse.

Then Mrs Fox went up into her...uh, I mean HIS own room (Obviously, this is Hiei) and locked the door: but his maid, Botan, sat at the kitchen fire cooking; and soon after it became known that the old fox was dead, someone knocked at the door, saying, 

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"Miss Botan! Miss Botan! How fare you today?  
Are you sleeping or watching the time away?"

Irked by the imputation, Botan went and opened the door, and there stood a handsome young fox; so, softening, she said to him, 

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"No, no, Master Fox, I don't sleep in the day,  
I'm making some miso soup (it's gray),  
Will your Honour be pleased to dinner to stay?"

"No, I thank you," said the fox, for he could smell what she had on the fire (for too long); "But how is poor Mrs Fox?" Then Botan answered, 

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"He sits all alone in his chamber upstairs,  
And bewails his misfortune with floods of tears:  
He weeps until his beautiful eyes are red;  
For alas! Alas! Mr Fox is dead."

This was a blatant lie, for Hiei's eyes were naturally red, and he was hiding from the dinner Botan had prepared, not crying over Kurama, but it sounded much better than the truth. The fox understood, but wisely let the matter pass. "Go to him," he said, "and say that there is a young fox come, who wishes to marry him." 

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Then up went Botan, - trippety trap,  
And knocked at the door, - tippety tap;  
"Is good Mrs Fox within?" said she.  
"What is it?" growled Hiei, startled awake.  
"There waits a suitor below at the gate."

Then said Mrs Fox,

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"How does he look? is he tall and straight?  
Has he four good tails? There must be four,  
Or he never shall be a suitor of mine."

"Ah!" said Botan, "he has but one."

"Tell him to get lost," snapped Hiei impatiently.

So Botan went down, and sent this suitor about his business. Soon after, someone else knocked at the door; it was another fox that had two tails, but he was not better welcomed than the first. After this came several others, some with more, some with less, till at last one came that had really four tails just like the old fox.

When the widow(er) heard this, he jumped up and declared, 

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"Prepare for a wedding! Invite everyone we know!  
And as for that nasty old master of ours,  
Throw him out the window, Botan, into the street!"

Botan gulped.

But when the wedding feast was all ready, up sprang the old gentleman on a sudden, and taking his Rose Whip, drove the whole company out of doors.

"What did you mean, throw me out the window?!"

Hiei only smiled very faintly. "How else would I get you up?"

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comments, complaints, criticism or cowpats all welcome.

Coming to a computer near you: Snow White


	5. Snow White

Author's note: For some inexplicable reason, this is a particular favourite of mine. What do you think? ^_^  
  
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Snow White  
  
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Once upon a time, as a pretty ice maiden sat sewing by a window, she pricked herself with her needle. Red drops of blood fell onto the snow that had collected on the ebony window frame, and the colours contrasted prettily. Seeing this, she sighed (forgetting that ice maidens produce only clones of themselves), "If only I had a child with hair as black as ebony, skin as white as snow, and lips as red as blood!"  
  
As time passed, her wish was granted-uh, that is, *mostly* granted. She hadn't specified a gender, though she had a girl in mind, and what she ended up with was a little boy with hair as black as ebony, skin as white as snow, and li-er...*eyes* as red as blood, glaring at her from within the depths of the swaddling cloths. "Eek!" she shrieked, dropping the baby (oops) right off the floating isle of the ice maidens.  
  
Fortunately, or otherwise, depending on one's perspective, the infant's fall was broken by an unfortunately convenient tree. A certain fox demon bandit chanced by and picked him up, having nothing better to do.  
  
"Here, take care of this," he said, tossing the baby to his lackey, Yomi. By that he meant to cook it for dinner, but Yomi misunderstood, and grumbling, set about raising the baby he named Hiei reluctantly. Since he was not inconvenienced by the arrangement, the fox demon was content to leave matters as they were.  
  
Now, Yomi had a certain hobby that had become something of an obsession with him. Every morning, he would go without fail to consult a well-known fortune-teller in the spirit world, Botan. "Tell me who's the worst- tempered, most bloody-minded demon of them all," he would say, and cackle gleefully when Botan replied, "You, Yomi, are the worst of all," showing him his image in the crystal ball.  
  
But inevitably, considering Hiei's upbringing, the day came when Botan replied, "You, Yomi, are foul-tempered and bloody-minded indeed, but Hiei, your brat, is worse by far." Yomi was infuriated, of course, and threw Hiei out of the house, sure the little demon would starve to death or get eaten in the woods of the demon world.  
  
Having survived being thrown off a floating island, Hiei was unperturbed and began searching for food and shelter. He came upon a heavily warded house in the woods and went in to look around. There he found seven bowls of some vile herbal mixture on a table and the starving little demon cleaned them all ravenously, his taste-buds having been killed off long ago by Yomi's botched attempts at cooking. Hunger satisfied, he went to the bedroom and sprawled across the beds arranged there, taking up far more space than would seem possible for someone his size. So this was how the occupants of the house found him when they returned.  
  
A word of explanation is needed here. The house belonged to six relatively dwarfish demons -- in terms of power, that is, since most of them were taller than Hiei. Jin, Touya, Chuu, Rinku, Suzuki and Shishiwakamaru were training under another relative dwarf, the human Kurama, to reduce their dwarfish stature. Kurama had put them on a strict diet and exercise program with that goal in mind, but his culinary skills left much to be desired, and despite the demanding regime, they often found difficulty stomaching what he prepared. Thus you can imagine the astonishment with which they regarded this little intruder sleeping off his heavy meal in their beds.  
  
"You actually ate that stuff?" marveled Jin incredulously. The others also clustered around to stare at this wonder. Chuu's hand twitched towards his empty wine bottle as the mere thought of Kurama's cooking brought a dreadful, remembered taste to his mouth.  
  
Hiei opened his eyes, blinked and yawned. "Wasn't that bad," he muttered, feeling quite mellow with a full stomach and good nap. Naturally, human Kurama was delighted, and insisted on keeping him, which no one had any objections to.  
  
So when Yomi next went to see Botan, she said, "You, Yomi, have a vile temper and murderous temperament, but Hiei is far worse, and what's more, he has grown much stronger in the care of the seven dwarves-in-terms-of- power." Yomi shrieked in fury and decided to go kill off his rival.  
  
Being not extremely powerful himself, Yomi waited until the seven dwarves were out before attacking Hiei. Hiei blasted him with the Black Dragon and fell asleep. The blackened crisp that was Yomi looked at his peaceful, still form and decided that he had to be dead, since the vile-tempered, bloody-minded Hiei would never look so innocent and childlike, and went home, in pain but rejoicing.  
  
He received a rude shock the next morning when he gazed into the crystal ball and saw Hiei's sullen face again. This time he decided that it was beneath him to go kill Hiei personally, and hired Shigure(MD)*, to off Hiei in the most unpleasant way possible.  
  
*Makai (demon world) Doctor  
  
Shigure was in something of a hurry, since he was doing this part-time and had to return to his clinic before lunch-break ended. So he planted an evil eye in the unsuspecting Hiei to kill him painfully, then left.  
  
Amazingly, Hiei managed to master the evil eye and survived, even stronger than before, to the delight of the dwarves, who were glad that someone at least was making progress. Yomi was outraged and demanded his money back. To placate him and save his reputation, Shigure agreed to try again, and to make sure the job was done properly this time.  
  
But Hiei had been gaining in power all this time, and was by now a good match for Shigure, so the unsurprising outcome of a duel between them was that they sliced each other to ribbons. Yomi was delighted at the news, for Hiei was at last dead, and he would not have to pay Shigure either. He returned home to gloat, leaving the two chopped-up demons on the grass.  
  
But the seven dwarves were distraught, for they had grown fond of the dour little demon who had become the eighth dwarf, especially human Kurama, whose cooking Hiei devoured enthusiastically without complaint. They tearfully gathered Hiei's remains in a jar and mourned over it for a long time.  
  
Mukuro, the ruler of that region, came by one day, and seeing the weeping dwarves, asked what had distracted them from their training.  
  
"He was the most bad-tempered, bloody-minded demon? Good, I want such qualities in my heir." So saying, she took the jar and dumped its contents in a regeneration tank, where Hiei revived in good order and became her heir, to the delight of the seven dwarves, who were granted access to the latest training facilities for their part.  
  
As for Yomi, his fox demon master finally tired of his antics, and sent another subordinate to off him, but the incompetent fool only managed to put out poor Yomi's eyes. Yomi became much improved after this, but we shall not tell his story here.  
  
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comments, complaints, criticism or cowpats all welcome.  
  
Forthcoming: Hansel and Gretel 


	6. Hansel and Gretel

Author's note: Once upon a time, the protagonists of this story were the far more respectable little Hansel and Gretel.  
  
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Kazuma and Shizuru  
  
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Once upon a time, there lived a poor family, trying to make ends meet but with little success. The father often thought things would be much easier if only they could get rid of their adopted children, and though it broke her soft heart, Mrs Minamino had to agree.  
  
For Kuwabara Kazuma and his sister Shizuru were not your typical sweet little children, all hardworking and innocent. They were, for one thing, much taller than their adoptive parents. But that was only the smallest problem. Kazuma had the sort of face which most would say only a mother could love, he was a delinquent who mixed with disreputable company and was always picking a fight, and as for his academic performance... the less said of it the better. Shizuru looked somewhat better, but she smoked and drank, and generally was in no way "sugar and spice", much less "all things nice"...  
  
So it was decided that the two should be abandoned to fend for themselves, especially since they were pretty much grown up anyway and really should not have been relying on their adoptive parents for support in the first place. Unfortunately for the Minaminos, Kazuma and Shizuru were slightly psychic, and soon sensed what they were up to.  
  
"Never fear," declared Kuwabara Kazuma bravely to his unconcerned sister, who was busy reading a magazine of some sort. "I shall find some way to thwart their inhuman scheme!" "All right, all right," murmured Shizuru absently, accustomed to tuning out his rants. So the Minaminos schemed, Kazuma plotted, Shizuru read her magazine, and none of them got any sleep that night.  
  
The next morning found the Minaminos trying to abandon the two siblings in the deep, dark woods of the demon world. Forewarned, Kazuma secretly created a thin spirit-thread, too fine for their parents to detect, and tied it to the doorknob as they left. They meandered about the woods aimlessly for a while, then the Minaminos made some feeble excuse and fled. The Kuwabara siblings enjoyed a nice picnic in the woods, with no chores to do, before following the thread home for dinner, much to the distress of their hapless parents.  
  
Unfortunately, as we already know, the family had not gotten any sleep the previous night, and since the children had successfully foiled the attempt at abandonment, they went to bed, confident that their parents would not try again so soon. Worried people like the Minaminos, however, find it difficult to sleep, so when Mrs Minamino went to tuck in her children and found them sound asleep, it was decided this was not an opportunity to be missed.  
  
Kuwabara Kazuma and Shizuru awakened to the warmth of sunbeams slanting through the leafy canopy of the demon world forest. "Oh dear," remarked Shizuru calmly, looking about her. Her sharp eyes fell on a shabby little basket beside them. "At least they left us breakfast," she observed, rummaging through it for something good to eat. "What do we do now?"  
  
Kazuma felt a twinge of unease, but he did not want to worry his sister, so he stood up bravely and declared, "Never fear! I shall use my empathic talents to sense Mother's sorrow at abandoning us, and find our way home yet again!" So he closed his eyes, and concentrated.  
  
Did I mention that the Minaminos had already missed two nights of sleep? As soon as they got home, shortly before daybreak, weary and relieved at finally being rid of the children, they had fallen into a deep, peaceful slumber. "Uh..." said Kazuma after several minutes. "Um..." Several more minutes passed. The twinge of unease revealed itself to be a twinge of hunger.  
  
"Too late," said Shizuru, inverting the emptied basket before her brother's horrified eyes. "Let's go look for landmarks."  
  
The Minaminos had outdone themselves this time. The more the poor siblings searched, the more lost they became; as the day passed on, they grew increasingly hungry. Thus they did not stop to question their luck when they came upon a ramen stall in the middle of the demon world woods. They did, however, question the quality of the noodles.  
  
"Hey, a deserted stall like this can't be any good," protested Kazuma as Shizuru sat down and peered at the grimy menu doubtfully. "What kind of ramen stall would have no customers at dinnertime..."He dutifully shut up when he heard his stomach register its protest at the delay.  
  
A gaunt man with long, white hair and a strange tattoo on one side of his face came out to take their orders and regarded them appraisingly. Then he slammed down two bowls of extremely greasy noodles, muttering, "Too thin..." to himself as he did. Shizuru studied him suspiciously as her brother, too hungry to care, began to wolf down his ramen. But her stomach grimly reminded her that she had missed lunch and would need to keep up her strength in order to continue their search the next day. She ate too.  
  
Morning found them prisoners to the man-eating demon, Raizen. The good news was that Raizen had no plans for cooking them in the near future, since they were "too thin", and as you may have gathered, he wasn't much of a cook. Lean meat usually turned out dry and near inedible in his pot. The even better news was that he intended to provide food and board free of charge until he had fattened them up, which, considering as they were still growing teenagers despite their adult looks, would take a very long time. So that was a problem solved for the time being.  
  
But as time passed and his freeloaders showed no signs of gaining in weight despite the high-fat diet he fed them, Raizen grew increasingly impatient, and began hunting down recipes which might produce more palatable lean dishes. Since his problem was his lack of aptitude and not knowledge, he was never successful. He grew thinner and thinner, determined to eat those two whom he had already invested so much effort and resources in fattening. By the time his son came to challenge him, impatient to inherit his ramen stall, he was too weak to put up an effective resistance, and was easily defeated.  
  
Yuusuke and his new bride, Keiko, were much better cooks than the late Raizen, and already had a ramen stand and a ramen restaurant in the human world respectively. They were looking to expand their franchise to the demon world, and it was much easier to launch a hostile takeover of an existing stall than to apply for a license to set a new one, at least in the demon world, since the primary rulers, Yomi and Mukuro respected power more than they did laws. When they looked over their new assets in some disgust, realizing how much work they had ahead of them to make this stall look respectable, they discovered the Kuwabaras in the house. Kazuma looked up from his university textbooks (he had taken up a correspondence course on Raizen's account, having nothing else to do), and was surprised and delighted to find his old friends here.  
  
"Urameshi! What are you doing here? You're not Raizen's prisoners too, are you?"  
  
"What nonsense! I kicked his @$$ and now I'm the new boss! Is this where you've been all these years?!" The long-lost friends exchanged news and it was decided that the Kuwabaras should also have a stake in the new franchise, which flourished under Kazuma's competent management and Yuusuke and Keiko's culinary skills, while Shizuru set up a pub with their support and they all lived happily after.  
  
Whatever happened to Mr and Mrs Minamino in the meantime? They eventually got a sweet, clever little boy of their own, with pretty red hair and bright green eyes, but that, dear reader, is a story for another time.  
  
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comments, complaints, criticism or cowpats all welcome.  
  
And the last one: Cinderella 


	7. Cinderella

Author's note: There is a reason why I didn't change this title.  
  
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Cinder-ella  
  
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The Prince of the spirit world was outraged, and he had no qualms about showing it in his lord father's absence. "No way am I going to marry that ditz!" he raged, waving his pacifier emphatically in the air as his terrified attendants cringed from the powerful artefact in their lord's chubby little hand.  
  
"Please be reasonable, Koenma-sama," pleaded George the eternally-harassed oni from behind the table. "The Lady Botan's pretty and nice, and Lord Enma will spank you if you defy him! You're already what, six or seven hundred, and still using a pacifier while your noble father is wishing for a grandchild!"  
  
"Grandchild?!" squawked the indignant toddler, causing several of the onis and ferry-girls on duty to look at him askance, wondering at the image of the extremely youthful Prince with a baby of his own. They shook their heads, bemused, and hurried on with their endless tasks, not presuming to question the obviously deranged writer. It was evidently to be one of those unfortunate days when nothing made sense in their world.  
  
"Just get married, and I'm sure everything will work itself out," George begged, then continued as fresh inspiration struck. "Lord Enma couldn't possibly demand a baby immediately; if you are married, he'd have to wait at least another century or two before complaining!"  
  
"Just get married, huh," muttered Koenma thoughtfully, sticking his pacifier back in his mouth and sucking vigorously. "If that's his primary objective, he won't mind if I choose my own bride, will he? As long as I do get married?" he demanded of George who, having heard no instructions to the contrary, nodded frantically. Anything to get the story going. The Prince frowned in deep thought a moment, then snapped his fingers. "I've got it!"  
  
* * *  
  
Yukina was feeling just a little... left out. She sat meekly in a corner, watching her adoptive family prepare to go to the ball. Seeing her forlorn little face, Keiko bent down and patted her head consolingly. "It's really not safe for you to attend this one," she said. "I heard the organisers are trying to find some prince a bride, and he doesn't sound like the nice sort. We'll take you to some other party another time." Yukina tried to smile bravely as the others began putting on their shoes.  
  
Shizuru looked Yukina's garb up and down appraisingly with a sly smirk. "Need to get her some new clothes before you do that, I think." Keiko shushed her hastily as Yukina wilted again.  
  
"Hurry up," called Atsuko, Yuusuke's youthful mother and their self- appointed chaperon. "We're going to be late. Watch the house while we're gone, Yukina-chan!" she chirped merrily, waving goodbye as she ushered the two marriageable girls out the door.  
  
"Watch the house," sighed Yukina, picking up a broom. Might as well make herself useful while she waited for them to return.  
  
She had not been sweeping long, however, when a knock sounded at the door.  
  
"Yukina-chan! So nice to see you here!" blurted Kuwabara on seeing her, quite forgetting that she had been staying in his house for the past month. "Where's everybody?" he thought to ask, recollecting himself as he peered around the empty house. The little ice maiden looked at the gaudy invitation left on the table in wordless reproach, and toyed with her broom. He picked it up and read it grimly, understanding it to be the cause of poor Yukina's unhappiness.  
  
"How could they just go off to have fun and leave you behind to tend to the house like this!" cried Kuwabara indignantly. "Never mind, I'll bring you if they won't! Let's go, Yukina!"  
  
"I can't go," protested Yukina timidly. "Shizuru-san thought my clothes were-"  
  
"How dare she! You look wonderful just the way you are!" he declared staunchly in her defence.  
  
"...Keiko-chan said it was dangerous-"  
  
"I'll escort you there and wait for you at the entrance, then escort you back! You needn't worry about a thing, Yukina-chan, I'll take care of everything for you," he asserted bravely, and was rewarded by her radiant smile.  
  
* * *  
  
Yukina was getting bored. She was beginning to think that the others had the right idea in leaving her at home, and that they were being thoughtful rather than thoughtless, for once the excitement of new experiences had worn off, the party lost its magic for her. Then a piercing squeal cut through the general din, ringing in the sudden silence that fell over the floor.  
  
"PERVERT~~~!!!" Followed up quickly with a resounding slap. A few nervous titters, as the crowd saw what lay at the centre of the disturbance, and returned to minding its own business. It was, after all, not the only such interruption that night.  
  
"I don't see what the fuss is about," grumbled Prince Koenma to himself, rubbing his much-imprinted little cheek. "She was the one who grabbed me, and all I did was ask if she had enough milk. What is it with these girls anyway? One would think they were all lactose-intolerant. I should have asked the caterers to provide some other choices of drinks. I'll remember the next time I hold a party... maybe fruit juice will be good..."  
  
He bumped into someone in the midst of his musings, and looked up at an angel with a gentle, lovely face, filled with such innocent concern, who didn't need to bend down much to touch his burning cheek with a cool hand that soothed away his pain in an instant. She was wearing a kimono, like the ferry-girls his father favoured, and he suspected that healing touch would do as much for his bottom as it did for his cheek, should his cantankerous father decide to take out his annoyance on it again. He was in love.  
  
"Miss..." he breathed, gazing upon her in wonder. "Will you marry me?"  
  
Yukina had no idea what the little toddler was asking of her, but while she was innocent, she was no fool. She decided it was a very good idea to find Kuwabara and go home immediately, considering the look of naked avarice on the Prince's face, a look she was familiar with from her time spent with the evil human who had held her captive for her precious teargems.  
  
The angel had suddenly taken fright and attempted to flee him. "No, please wait!" He reached after her, calling for aid. "George, stop her!"  
  
Keiko turned just in time to see Yukina duck out the back door in a hurry, trailed by the perverted toddler prince and his faithful oni servant, and grabbed Shizuru and Atsuko in a panic. "Yukina's in trouble! We've got to help her!"  
  
"Yukina? What is she doing here? Never mind," growled Atsuko, disgruntled by the unforgivable failure of the Prince to provide liquor, "I'll drive."  
  
In her haste to get away, Yukina had to abandon poor Kuwabara, waiting patiently at the main entrance, and a slipper as well, when a strap broke untimely. She managed to get home safely however, and was hustled into a back room by her friends who had arrived before she did. They managed to put up some semblance of being surprised and puzzled when Koenma burst in, demanding incoherently to see his angel who had run away from the ball and left a little slipper to know her by and would absolutely have to marry him just as soon as he could make the arrangements for the wedding and honeymoon and would they kindly bring her out to try on the slipper please-  
  
"We get the picture," cut in Keiko hastily. "So whoever can wear the slipper is your intended, right? Shizuru-"  
  
Shizuru snorted. "No way I can put on that tiny thing, so don't even think about it, Keiko. Besides, I'm not going to sacrifice my future for Yukina- chan, however much I or my idiot brother may like her." A helpless look at Atsuko availed her nothing, and with a deep breath, Keiko closed her eyes and slid her foot into the slipper. It didn't fit.  
  
Koenma was frowning at her with all the regal hauteur a six-hundred-odd toddler could summon. "I know there is another girl in this house. I saw her come in. Make her come out and try on the slipper, or I can and will make your household regret it."  
  
Reluctantly, Keiko opened the door to let Yukina out. A dainty foot fit perfectly into the slipper, and Koenma broke out in a delighted grin, looking into his beloved's... glowing red eyes, blazing from a furious little face, a rumbling growl rising from deep in his chest, as he loosened his sword, clearly undecided between dicing him into mince and burning him to cinders.  
  
"Uh... uh... nevermind, sorry to bother you all, I just came to invite all of you to my wedding to Lady Botan--bye!" babbled Koenma, removing himself in as great a hurry as he had arrived.  
  
"Thank you for saving me, Hiei-san" said Yukina gratefully, and Hiei snorted, not wanting to seem overly concerned, but not in the least displeased by the happy look on her face. They all settled down for some tea after all the excitement.  
  
It was then Yukina remembered in dismay: "Oh no, I left Kuwabara-kun waiting at the ball!"  
  
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comments, complaints, criticism or cowpats all welcome.  
  
Thanks to all readers for your patience. It's been fun, revising all these ancient stories I'd mostly forgotten about (good grief, I feel ancient myself: wrote them as a teen too), and your kind reviews were very much appreciated as well. 


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